This is a long one, so take a seat and read.

I lost my Nan in 2016, November to be precise, it was probably one of my “most remembered” encounters with death and understanding what death truly entailed. It wasn’t something I felt before, I think it was more of a raw sore feeling which stayed with me for a very long time.

My Nan was a beautiful person, one of the kindest souls I have come across in my entire life and I’m not just saying this because she has passed away.

Without going into too much detail. 2015 and 2016 were probably the heaviest years I have experienced in a long time, and of course 2019/2020.

Grief came and knocked on our door and I’ll be honest, as much as you expect the passing of an older person, when it is happening or does happen, nothing can prepare you for the aftermath and experience of dealing with the loss of a loved one, regardless of ones age.

I think the scariest thing was sitting in the same room knowing that the angel of death is there, I know, the angel of death is everywhere and he takes the souls of whoever Allah wills, but knowing that he was in the same room as me, slowly taking away my Nan, I think that hit me on another level and I don’t think I was mentally prepared for that at all. When my Nan had finally departed and made her way to her creator, I felt a cold shiver in the room and I realised that in front of me, was no longer my Nan, she was automatically referred to as “the body”. In Islam we’ve been taught to love the soul and not the body, the truth is we cannot help but love the body as it has a physical presence in our lives and no matter what we do, we become attached to the body as well as the soul. My Nan had a peaceful death, from what I remember and recall, she wasn’t in pain, she passed away peacefully.

The first couple of days the grief hadn’t settled and hadn’t made a home inside my heart yet, I was in shock so my body went into autopilot mode, I was just doing whatever was needed, grieving slowly but surely. I genuinely don’t think i still understand the depth of the grieving process even now because I’m still mourning in my own little way. The months prior to my Nans death, I spent a lot of time with her at her home, for some reason I was more drawn to spending time with her, I wasn’t particularly always there but something pulled me to go there every evening after university and spend time with her, even if it was for 10-20 minutes. I just felt this urge inside my heart to go and do that, maybe that was Allah’s ways of telling me to spend time with her before He takes her back. Sometimes, I look over at her house and I have an instant sinking feeling in my heart, it hurts even up until now, it hurts.

Grieving her death was a rollercoaster ride for us all, I think at first we were in denial and we just did whatever we were told to do and just kind of got on with it, for those who do not believe in life after death, I will give you a few examples of what I experienced after her death.

The night after we had buried her, I was sat down with my aunty and my cousin sister, we were sat there talking about my Nan. Randomly, we hear a noise in the other room (where her bed used to be, by then the bed was given back to the hospital). It wasn’t only me that heard it, all three of us did, it was almost like she was telling us that she is still around. During the next couple of days, we heard multiple sounds and we experienced multiple different things happen to us and other family members.

The night after she had died, I remember shaking uncontrollably before going to sleep because I cried myself out. I felt this fear in my heart and until this day I do not understand what happened to me that night or why, maybe it was just reality kicking in and finally sinking in that she’s gone. I felt this fear in my heart that I had NEVER felt before and I just couldn’t sleep. Once I visited her grave after the funeral/janazah had taken place, I felt at peace.

Her funeral was beautiful, it rained so much the day she passed away and to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it rain as much as it did that day. She had noor on her face and I know she was truly finally at peace, returned to her Lord.

Grieving isn’t just crying, it isn’t just feeling upset, grieving the death of a loved one honestly shakes you to your core, it hurts you in ways you never thought you could be hurt. Four years on and the pain is still as raw as it was the first day.

When grieving, nobody gives you instructions on what to do, nobody passes you a manual book or rules to abide by, they try to tell you “how to grieve” but nobody really knows until they’ve been through something similar and even then, everyone has different experiences of loss, there’s no right way to grieve and there’s most certainly no wrong way to grieve either. It takes time, it takes a lot of healing and it takes a lot of patience to finally come to understand why it’s happened the way it has, some deaths come just like that, no warning, no signs, absolutely nothing.

Some deaths come and knock on your door without you even realising, you’ll be sat down or going about your daily business to then be completely in bits after hearing about the loss of a loved one, your whole world turns upside down and no matter how many times someone tries to console you, in the end the only person that can console you, is yourself, but the main thing to realise is that Allah does not burden a soul beyond it can bear and you will eventually find the rainbow at the end of every storm that greets your life.

There’s no timeline to stop grieving or deadline, take each day as it comes and grieve in waves. Some days you’ll feel like you’re drowning all alone, stranded in the middle of the sea and some days you’ll feel like you’re just above the water, floating along and that’s fine. Take each day as it comes and do not pressurise yourself into being or acting like something you’re normally not. 🤍