Growing up in a western country and learning their western ways, salah wasn’t always something that was put “first” by me.

I’ve always kind of avoided it because I used to feel like “what’s the point in me praying” when I’m not the best Muslim I could possibly be. (Not the best way to think if I’m honest, it’s just Satan playing tricks). I would try to justify me not praying salah, I would literally think of every excuse under the book.

I even forgot the actions of salah and at that point I realised that I need to sort myself out and stop justifying me not praying.

I was going through a very horrible time in my life and possibly one of the worst, still at that point I didn’t turn to Allah and I didn’t turn to Salah, but Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is the most merciful and even though I wasn’t calling upon Him or asking Him for forgiveness, He saved me from the most horrible situation ever, still I don’t think I realised the importance of implementing salah into my life at that particular moment in time.

I’m ashamed of it, but I know Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala put these trials and tribulations in my life for a reason, every single time, I learnt that He was calling me and I’ll be honest I wasn’t always taking heed to His calls, how very very foolish of me.

Skip forward an October (will not disclose the year as its just too personal for me), my world was torn upside down, when I mean upside down, the unthinkable, unimaginable happened and I think that is when I truly realised that the only way I can get through this is by praying. So I took myself back to square one and taught myself Salah all over again and it is the best thing I have ever done. They say Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala calls you back to Him when you are at your lowest, in desperate need of Him and it’s not a punishment from Him, but a chance, an opportunity to turn back to Him and ask Him for forgiveness and do what is needed to be the best Muslim you can be, not perfect, not unreal but the best you can be for yourself and for Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, afterall, He doesn’t need us, we need Him.

I started by praying Fajr and I really needed to start with Fajr because I knew it was the only way to get myself up everyday and motivate myself to even get out of bed, so I prayed Fajr, it was the easiest to relearn and the hardest to get up for, but I knew the reward was double, triple so it motivated me.

I realised once I started praying Fajr I felt a peace I never felt before and let me be honest, I didn’t feel the peace straight away, I spent so many years away from Salah and praying that my heart had become rock solid, I became a shadow of my former self, at many points I made myself believe that I didn’t need to pray Salah, again, very ashamed to admit this but I am a human being, I’m just as flawed as anyone else out there and I most certainly do not get a golden ticket to Jannah.

It took me a long time to pull my heart apart in-front of Allah and ask Him to heal me. I’ll be brutally honest and say it took me a couple of months to finally wholeheartedly turn to Him and just basically rip my heart out in front of Him and finally let go of everything that hurt me and pained me.

I spent time with Him slowly but surely, after many hardships, I just knew it was my time to turn to Him no matter how long it had been, no matter how long I had stayed away from Him, I just knew Allah kept calling me back to Him for a reason, it was never ever a punishment for me, it was more Him pulling me to back to Him and reminding me that I am nothing without Him and that’s exactly what happened.

Now I look back at certain times in my life and I’ve realised just how merciful Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala truly is. So many times I did wrong, I didn’t rely on Him and I kept relying on His creation for peace and happiness, but He always kept me safe, He always kept me healthy and He always gave me a chance to get closer to Him, even though the majority of the time I didn’t take heed, how naive was I, chasing the world and expecting the world to heal me when all the world truly wanted to do, was feed on my soul and leave me abandoned.

Salah became a routine for me, I bought a salah book and I would read it word for word, I would recite it and pray, I taught myself the whole of the salah all over again. Even if it meant struggling, I did it, even if it meant I would recite it and read the book whilst praying, I did it because I knew Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala knows my intentions and He knows my end goals and intentions for praying in such a manner.

I was always embarrassed that people would ask me why I don’t pray salah and my excuse would always be, I don’t have time or I don’t know how pray it and each time I’d say that, it would genuinely break my heart because I knew it was exactly what my heart needed, so by the will of Allah I was guided to Him again and again and again until I got the hint and started to pray my Salah and find peace and contentment in my heart.

I wasn’t always good at concentrating or understanding certain things, I’m quite a creative person, so for me, salah was always known as “something I’ll do later”, that’s the excuse I’d come up with Astaghfirullah.

As time went on and we had many deaths in my family and family friends, I realised I need to stop being lazy, I need to stop living in this world and investing so much into it because I will die tomorrow and what will I show Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala? I think the real turning point for me praying Salah was when my heart was in pieces and I felt no peace in my life, I would always feel anxious, in pain and I just wouldn’t be able to sleep. I’d have insomnia for days on end and I would have zero motivation to carry on with my life and daily tasks, but now I’ve realised, Subhaan’Allah, every sleepless night was a chance, an opportunity from Allah for me to talk to Him, an opportunity I do not miss now.

It’s not easy getting into a routine and those who tell you it’s easy, are most definitely lying because it takes a lot of time and effort to get yourself onto the path of Salah. It’s a long journey, it’s not easy and you will never get it 100%, but I came up with the perfect description of Salah and what your journey will be like.

I see it like this, you’re climbing a mountain, you are alone, it’s just you and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, you try your best everyday to get up onto this huge mountain, right to the top, but sometimes it gets slippery and you end up having to take a few steps back. But the end goal is always going to remain the same and it doesn’t matter how long it takes for you to get to the top, you’ll be rewarded for every step you take up that mountain. — herblankcanvas [via Instagram]

That’s how I see salah, that’s how I see Islam, it’s not about being perfect, it’s not about being the most influential person and being on your deen 100%, it’s a journey, it’s a struggle, it’s not easy and whoever makes it look easy, are lying to you. Nothing that is good in life, comes easy. Always remember that, always strive to be the best person you can be and remember that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala will reward you for your efforts, a hardships that brings you closer to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is not a punishment, so do not ever see it that way, it’s an opportunity, a chance from Him for you to get closer to Him in every way you possibly can. You’re not a sinner for struggling, Allah will not hate you for struggling, your struggles will become a part of you, and that’s okay. You cannot perfect Islam and salah overnight but striving to, is what’s important. Making an effort to become a better person and a better Muslim is what is important.

Some days are better than others, I still struggle I still slack at times but it’s okay because I know Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala knows my intentions and I know that I cannot be perfect because perfect isn’t real, not in this world anyway. But as long as I do my best and make an effort at each and every point then I know I’m doing whatever I can to be the best possible person I can be.

Indeed Allah guides those He loves, always remember that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is the most merciful and it doesn’t matter how many prayers you have missed, how many times you’ve not prayed salah, you still have time to turn back to Him, you still have time to sit on that prayer mat with your heavy broken stone cold heart, He is still there to listen to you and He will never ever turn away His beloved servants. Your sins do not define you, your ability to repent, your du’aas and your intentions are what will define you.

🤍