I’ve hesitated posting this for a very long time but I’ve always felt as though it is something that needs posting. So here goes nothing..

Let’s talk about marriage, let’s talk about finding a suitable marriage partner and the struggles of getting married.

A lot of people believe in culture, a lot of people put culture before Islam, the bitter truth is that a lot of parents believe in culture more than they do Islam and I’m here to drop some truth bombs.

Islamically speaking, your parents cannot deny your marriage for the following reasons

They don’t like him/her (especially if they’ve not met him/her) and haven’t given the person in question a chance to speak, talk and get to know them. They cannot deny for this reason alone. Islam is all about giving chances and seeing if the person is suitable.

He/she is not the same caste as you or the same ethnicity/background as you. This is not a good enough reason to deny a marriage proposal.

They believe you’re too good “for him or her”.

They are letting culture and tradition get in the way of what is ISLAMICALLY permissible.

They should be looking at the following.

Deen.

Characteristics of the person in question

References to see what he/she/family are like

Stability, financially and emotionally.

If all of the above check out and it is permissible for you to marry the person in question then Islamically they have no reason to deny or stop you from getting married.

Now, marriage isn’t a small thing, it’s huge, it’s a massive decision and it’s a very sacred thing.

If you’re wanting to get married, you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting to marry, you shouldn’t be made to feel as though you’re too “young” or not stable enough to. If you know in your hearts of hearts, you’re ready for marriage and have found the right candidate then you should not delay your marriage and your parents shouldn’t either.

“Parents always know what’s best for their children”. A quote I’m often told.

The truth is this, some parents know exactly what is good for their child, but many do not. Many parents put culture and religion before Islam. They will openly stop the marriage or proposal of their child due to ethnicity, background and “caste”.

Caste is one of the biggest curses of mankind, we have become so blinded by caste that we as Muslims, seem to think we are better than one another due to the ranking of caste and quite frankly, it’s disgusting and it needs to change.

I’ve come across many people who want to marry someone they have chosen themselves, only for their family to disagree and emotionally blackmail them by telling them that they will get disowned the moment they marry out of “their caste”. It’s abhorrent and it’s uncalled for.

Your children are not toys, you shouldn’t pick and choose who they marry, you shouldn’t dictate who they want to marry and rule their lives, you do not own your children, they are a gift from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala.

FEAR ALLAH.

I’ll give you an example of what I mean, I have come across a lot of people who want to get married, they get on well, they are suitable, compatible, both on their deen and want to marry one another. They are hindered by caste and other obstacles in the way and are not able to get married because their parents won’t allow them to, WHY?…

Because, they are not from the same “caste”.

So many parents and families put their children in difficult situations where the children have to choose one happiness over the other, children are made to feel like wanting to get married and complete half your deen is wrong because you want to marry someone your parents do not approve of due to caste issues only.

How is this normal? It’s not.

As parents, they have the right to deny your marriage or proposal if the man or woman isn’t compatible with you, or if they feel as though the person you have chosen isn’t Islamically correct for you but if they are refusing based on traditions and cultural views which have no bearing in Islam, then they are wrong, unfortunately.

Marriage shouldn’t be made to feel like a sin, you shouldn’t have to choose between your parents and potential marriage partner.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to marry someone you want to, as long as they are good for you and your deen.

It’s very important to understand that you have rights and you should be able to marry who you want for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala

Parents will try to guilt trip you into doing what is best for them, not what is necessarily best for you. Always pray to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala and ask Him to guide you onto the right path and to remove any obstacles which are in the way of you moving forward with your life.

I am in no way discrediting parents and their opinions, everyone is allowed their opinions but you as a parent, your opinions shouldn’t affect your child’s happiness and future. You need to stop treating your children like an object, the emotional guilt and blackmail needs to stop. If your child is at an age of marriage and wants to get married, let them. Do it for the sake of Allah, stop allowing culture take over Islam, Islamically it is permissible for a child to marry whoever they want as long as they are Muslim and practicing.

Stop making your children feel like they’re inferior because they’re choosing to marry someone of their own choice, Islamically it’s wrong to force your child to marry someone they do not want to. Period.

Culture should NEVER take precedent over Islam.

Your life matters, your happiness matters and choosing your spouse and getting married, matters too. You deserve to be happy, if you truly want to get married and you know the person is a good marriage partner, seek guidance from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, pray Istikhara, pray Tahajjud and ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala to do what is best for you.

PLEASING your parents is a must in Islam, but as a child of your parents who are denying you the right to get married and complete half your deen, it is their DUTY as parents to make you fulfil half your Deen too. So it’s not just about you pleasing your parents, if what you want to do, is Islamically permissible then do it for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Istikhara first then decide after.

If it is meant for you then it will be for you.

Stop letting caste get in the way of potential marriage partners, stop letting people guilt trip you and make you feel bad for wanting to get married to your own choice. You have Allah by your side. Trust in Him and do what is best for you without the intentions of hurting or disrespecting anyone else.

I AM NOT AN ISLAMIC SCHOLAR OR SOMEONE WITH ISLAMIC KNOWLEDGE, THESE ARE MY OWN PERSONAL OPINIONS.