As Muslim women and men, it’s very hard to find a marriage partner, it gets even harder when your parents put conditions on you and rules on you which quite evidently, have no Islamic bearing. Rules and conditions, threats like “we will only accept your marriage partner as long as they’re the same caste as us, if they’re not then we will disown you completely”. This isn’t Islamic. It has never been a part of Islam and it never will be.

Often, families have certain “rules” (which have been created by an elder or elders). This often consists of not letting their children marry out of caste, background and ethnicity purely because it’s something that is considered “shameful” or is considered a dishonour towards the family. This is something that happens quite a lot and a lot of marriage proposals break down due to this.

The famous quote from nearly every parent that is like the above

“What will others think”

You will bring shame to your family

We will disown you completely if you get married to someone who isn’t the same caste as us

How dare you even think about marrying someone who is a “lower” caste than us

Do you not realise what people will say about you, what they will say about us?!

Do we not mean anything to you?

If you marry him/her, you will lose us as your parents and we will be dead to you.

Parents, elders and those who are the “head” of the family have often made it harder for their children, siblings and younger family members to get married. Finding a suitable marriage partner is hard enough as it is, especially during current times, it’s hard to find someone who is compatible with you enough to marry them or want to marry them.

I’ve come across people who are not Muslim and have zero restrictions on their heads, who find it hard to get married and find a marriage partner, yet many many Muslim parents make it ten times harder for their daughter or son to get married and complete half their deen.

Like I said previously, marriage isn’t a small thing, it needs to be thought out properly and it needs to be something you are 100% happy with doing. Marriage should never be for “the sake of someone else” it should be because your heart is in the marriage and you truly want to get married, Islam does not teach us to compel or make our children/fellow Muslims feel as though they have no other choice but to marry for the sake of marriage.

If you have unmarried daughter or son at home who has a potential marriage partner and is wanting to get married, you as their parents, have the duty to get them married. There is no two ways about it.

Abu Hurayrah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If someone whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you proposes marriage, then marry [your female relative under your charge] to him. If you do not do that, there will be tribulation in the land and much corruption. 

(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him, in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah. 1022).

Marriage is not a chore, I’ll say it again, marriage is not a chore and it should never be treated as one either. If you have a child who is wanting to get married, has a potential marriage partner and is of deen then it is your duty to fulfil YOUR duty by giving that person a chance and helping your child complete their deen.

Secondly: if her wali prevents her from marrying the person she wants with no shari reason for doing so, the guardianship passes to someone who is fit to be a wali, so it may pass from her father to her grandfather, for example.

Thirdly: if all her guardians prevent her for no shari reason, then the (Muslim) ruler will be her wali, because of the hadeeth, If she does not have a wali, then the (Muslim) ruler is the wali of anyone who does not have a wali. The ruler here means the judge who rules according to shareeah.

The wali does not have the right to prevent a woman from marrying on the basis of his own whims and with no shari reason.

[Islamqa.com]

Since when did tradition and culture come first, leaving your children’s happiness behind, why do children have to choose between someone they want to marry and their parents, surely, as parents they should put their children’s wants and need before society, culture and tradition. After-all, when we die the only thing that is said is

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un

Yet, we spend our lives wondering what people will think and what people will say.

Do you not deserve to be happy?

You know when you truly put Islam first, you will begin to realise the wrongs you have been taught.