Assalaamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh
*DISCLAIMER*
Before starting this post I just want to make a few things clear, I’m not someone who has extensive knowledge and experience in Islam. Everything I share on my blog posts are my own personal views and opinions, so please always get a second and third and fourth opinion on everything and I mean EVERYTHING you read online.
I’m just someone who is sharing her own thoughts and experiences.
I’ve been inundated with messages from people all over the world, and it’s hard for me to reply and respond to every single person, I’ve received hundreds of messages and comments. So I want to apologise if I’m not able to get back to you all. But I’ve read the majority of them and this is my response,
A few topics I want to cover in this post are the following
Do parents always know what is best for their children?.
Should you always just do whatever your family tells you to do? Even if it means you are not happy with the decisions they are making for you, on your behalf ?.
Do love marriages break down more than arranged marriage?
Where do you stand Islamically, when choosing and wanting to marry someone of your own choice.
The truth is, some parents, not all, but some tend to put culture before their children, they do things by culture and not Islam.
Yes, your parents want what is best for you but a lot of children suffer because their parents make them feel like they’re not good enough or they make them feel as though they’re being disobedient and disrespectful by choosing their own spouse and taking leadership of their own life.
Yes, Islamically we should keep our parents happy but that does not mean you do things just for the sake of your parents, even if it means getting married to someone you don’t want to marry. You have to remember your parents are human beings too, they are not always right and your opinion and choice does matter. Islamically, it does.
I’ve always wondered to what extent to we have to do go to, in order to keep our parents happy and I’m not saying that we should disrespect them or undervalue their opinions and not take them on board, they are elder so we should definitely respect them, try to understand their points of views and then cross reference them with Islam, if their reasons for declining, disagreeing align with the teachings of Islam then fair enough, they have a valid point, but and it’s a big but, if they don’t then you have every right as a Muslim person to seek help from someone else, whether that’s a mufti, an imam or scholar who is learned in such situations and topics.
I’ve always tried to understand where to draw the line when people say you should always do what your parents say even if they are wrong and it means that you end up in an unhappy marriage with someone you truly did not want to marry, now whatever I say in this section is my personal opinion, I do not expect anyone to agree with me, when you get married, it’s a scared bond between you, your spouse and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Getting married should be one of the most joyful days of your life as you are completing half your deen, I genuinely think such decisions and choices should be made with care and not with haste or with the influence of anyone else. When getting married, it’s a bond, it’s a relationship that is presented to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is the most beautiful way, a nikkah.
When marrying, you should always make sure you are truly happy with it, I personally think when someone marries for the sake of someone else, that’s basically invalid (in my opinion). Please don’t come at me, this is my own personal thought process, I believe that when getting married it should be someone you want to marry and are not compelled to marry for the sake of everyone else and their happiness, your happiness matters too.
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever Allah provides with a righteous wife, Allah has assisted him in half of his religion. Let him fear Allah regarding the second half.”
Source: al-Mu’jam al-Awsaṭ 992
Now it may be that the person you are told or forced to marry, may be a God fearing person, but it also may not be someone you want to marry, hence you end up marrying someone half heartedly for the sake of those around you who have forced and compelled you into such a marriage.
I think people assume that parents have been around longer so maybe they are more in tune with marriage and what it is but remember parents are just humans like us, they’ve only been around longer to make more mistakes.
Now I’m all for arranged marriages if that’s what you prefer and are 100% willing to do and are not forced to do it.
Back to my answer, your happiness matters, your happiness should ideally come first, you should never put yourself or your future spouse (if they are someone you don’t want to marry) in a position where you’re only marrying them because your mother and father have emotionally blackmailed you into marrying them. You’re not ruining just your own life but theirs too. Marriage is not something that should be taken lightly, you will not treat them good and you will not care for them enough as you will see them as someone your parents wanted you to marry and you did it for the sake of your parents contentment and happiness.
Are you disobeying your parents if you get married to someone they are wrongly refusing you to? Ok, what are the reasons for their refusal? Is it solely based on the parents caste or background, ethnicity or roots or are they delving in much deeper and refusing on the basis of other things.
YOU need to ask yourself that, do they have the right Islamically to refuse, WHY are they refusing and what are their REASONS for refusing?
If you have exhausted every avenue and are wanting to marry someone for the sake of Allah and you truly see a future with them and your parents are refusing because they are not the same as you (caste wise or ethnicity) yet the person you want to marry ticks every other box apart from being the same caste, then seek help from someone who has knowledge in these situations and ask them for advice.
Just as we have duties towards our parents, our parents have duties towards us too, afterall we are their Amanah, gift from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala..
Do love marriages last less than arranged or forced, absolutely not true. Sometimes love marriages last longer, sometimes arranged or forced end up “working out” but that’s usually because one person has totally given up on their happiness and just left it dependant on their parents to fill that hole, but that hole will forever be there because they’ve just numbed themselves down into not feeling a single thing towards anyone, trust me I know people that have been there, done that and got the t shirt.
Where do you stand? What are your rights Islamically when it comes to marrying someone of your own choice?
Ok, let me reiterate everything I’ve said before and make it simple.
When looking for a spouse you should and MUST look for the following in them.
Someone who fears Allah
Someone who will love you for the sake of Allah swt.
A person who is on the deen.
Financially stable and has the capacity to love and care for you (applies to females looking to marry the one they want)
I’ve attached a link to a talk by mufti menk who speaks about what you should look for and the guide. If the person you want to marry, is everything that is Islamically correct and needed in a spouse then you have the right to marry them for the sake of Allah.
Now this doesn’t mean you go and marry them right now without thinking twice, you take certain precautions, steps, you do Istikhara, you pray Tahajjud and you ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you. You speak to your more lenient parent and ask them of their opinion and if they’re willing to agree, if they are not, then speak to your sister, brother or sibling, if no one is willing to take your side and is unable to, then speak to your local Imam.
Marrying someone is a very sacred thing and it isn’t something that should be forced upon someone or them being emotionally blackmailed into completing half their deen with someone they do not want to marry.
Marriage should not be forced upon someone because their parents are guilt tripping them into married.
Part 5 will be up soon.
And, Allah knows best
WITHLOVEMONA 