Today I had a realisation and I’ll be honest, I have these every so often, sometimes I feel like just disappearing off social media completely and take a huge break from everything, but I can’t, not yet anyway.
The truth is, this world is very toxic, people take take and take and quite frankly I’m tired of living like this. I feel drained all the time, I feel like my circle is so small (thankfully) and I just want to be surrounded by people who bring out the best in me rather than the worst and let’s face facts, we all have a very toxic side to us, some bring it out of us more than others. I just want to say if I’ve ever been toxic towards someone or if I’ve ever said something which has led to a conversation filled with negativity and flaws then I’m accountable for it. I won’t be placing the blame on anyone else, but I will be removing myself some any conversation, situation and room where I feel as though I have to be negative or I let my toxic side run free.
The company you keep is very important, the harsh truth is this, when you’re around people who genuinely care for you and are positive, you keep your toxic side on a leash because you feel ashamed to even talk about such things, but when you’re surrounded by already toxic people, it genuinely does bring out the worst in you. Now I’m not saying every person is like that, but we as humans need to be held accountable and take accountability for who we are, what we do and what we choose to do.
Sometimes you have to just take a step back and reevaluate the situation you’re in and the goodness and badness it may bring into your life as a whole. I remember the days of hot sticky summers, playing outside, not a single care in the world, running around, no bad vibes or energies. But now social media runs the world and it genuinely makes you feel drained when you feel like you have to perform for people and do things a certain way or act a certain way for people to be pleased with you – something I did for a very long time but not anymore, I refuse to be around people who bring out the bad in me and let’s be truthful, we all have a bad side to us, there’s not a single person out there who can tell me they’re perfect because perfect doesn’t exist and that’s the reality of this life.
Sometimes it’s good to just take a step back, re-evaluate your situation and do what is best for you, even if it means stop hanging around with certain people who make it their mission to be toxic, even if it means stop communicating with certain individuals because you feel like after you’ve spoken to them, you feel drained and horrid.
Quick tip – stop hanging around people or conversing with people who have a habit of constantly complaining because it does have an affect on you as a being too, you end up leaving that conversation or place feeling more drained than ever and it’s almost like they’ve sucked the life out of you, not a good sign and not a good place to be in trust me, especially when you’re prone to feeling down and upset, surround yourself with people who see the good in things and are realistic but not negative in their approach and way of talking.
Before starting this post I just want to make a few things clear, I’m not someone who has extensive knowledge and experience in Islam. Everything I share on my blog posts are my own personal views and opinions, so please always get a second and third and fourth opinion on everything and I mean EVERYTHING you read online.
I’m just someone who is sharing her own thoughts and experiences.
I’ve been inundated with messages from people all over the world, and it’s hard for me to reply and respond to every single person, I’ve received hundreds of messages and comments. So I want to apologise if I’m not able to get back to you all. But I’ve read the majority of them and this is my response,
A few topics I want to cover in this post are the following
Do parents always know what is best for their children?.
Should you always just do whatever your family tells you to do? Even if it means you are not happy with the decisions they are making for you, on your behalf ?.
Do love marriages break down more than arranged marriage?
Where do you stand Islamically, when choosing and wanting to marry someone of your own choice.
The truth is, some parents, not all, but some tend to put culture before their children, they do things by culture and not Islam.
Yes, your parents want what is best for you but a lot of children suffer because their parents make them feel like they’re not good enough or they make them feel as though they’re being disobedient and disrespectful by choosing their own spouse and taking leadershipof their own life.
Yes, Islamically we should keep our parents happy but that does not mean you do things just for the sake of your parents, even if it means getting married to someone you don’t want to marry. You have to remember your parents are human beings too, they are not always right and your opinion and choice does matter. Islamically, it does.
I’ve always wondered to what extent to we have to do go to, in order to keep our parents happy and I’m not saying that we should disrespect them or undervalue their opinions and not take them on board, they are elder so we should definitely respect them, try to understand their points of views and then cross reference them with Islam, if their reasons for declining, disagreeing align with the teachings of Islam then fair enough, they have a valid point, but and it’s a big but, if they don’t then you have every right as a Muslim person to seek help from someone else, whether that’s a mufti, an imam or scholar who is learned in such situations and topics.
I’ve always tried to understand where to draw the line when people say you should always do what your parents say even if they are wrong and it means that you end up in an unhappy marriage with someone you truly did not want to marry, now whatever I say in this section is my personal opinion, I do not expect anyone to agree with me, when you get married, it’s a scared bond between you, your spouse and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Getting married should be one of the most joyful days of your life as you are completing half your deen, I genuinely think such decisions and choices should be made with care and not with haste or with the influence of anyone else. When getting married, it’s a bond, it’s a relationship that is presented to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is the most beautiful way, a nikkah.
When marrying, you should always make sure you are truly happy with it, I personally think when someone marries for the sake of someone else, that’s basically invalid (in my opinion). Please don’t come at me, this is my own personal thought process, I believe that when getting married it should be someone you want to marry and are not compelled to marry for the sake of everyone else and their happiness, your happiness matters too.
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever Allah provides with a righteous wife, Allah has assisted him in half of his religion. Let him fear Allah regarding the second half.”
Source: al-Mu’jam al-Awsaṭ 992
Now it may be that the person you are told or forced to marry, may be a God fearing person, but it also may not be someone you want to marry, hence you end up marrying someone half heartedly for the sake of those around you who have forced and compelled you into such a marriage.
I think people assume that parents have been around longer so maybe they are more in tune with marriage and what it is but remember parents are just humans like us, they’ve only been around longer to make more mistakes.
Now I’m all for arranged marriages if that’s what you prefer and are 100% willing to do and are not forced to do it.
Back to my answer, your happiness matters, your happiness should ideally come first, you should never put yourself or your future spouse (if they are someone you don’t want to marry) in a position where you’re only marrying them because your mother and father have emotionally blackmailed you into marrying them. You’re not ruining just your own life but theirs too. Marriage is not something that should be taken lightly, you will not treat them good and you will not care for them enough as you will see them as someone your parents wanted you to marry and you did it for the sake of your parents contentment and happiness.
Are you disobeying your parents if you get married to someone they are wrongly refusing you to? Ok, what are the reasons for their refusal? Is it solely based on the parents caste or background, ethnicity or roots or are they delving in much deeper and refusing on the basis of other things.
YOU need to ask yourself that, do they have the right Islamically to refuse, WHY are they refusing and what are their REASONS for refusing?
If you have exhausted every avenue and are wanting to marry someone for the sake of Allah and you truly see a future with them and your parents are refusing because they are not the same as you (caste wise or ethnicity) yet the person you want to marry ticks every other box apart from being the same caste, then seek help from someone who has knowledge in these situations and ask them for advice.
Just as we have duties towards our parents, our parents have duties towards us too, afterall we are their Amanah, gift from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala..
Do love marriages last less than arranged or forced, absolutely not true. Sometimes love marriages last longer, sometimes arranged or forced end up “working out” but that’s usually because one person has totally given up on their happiness and just left it dependant on their parents to fill that hole, but that hole will forever be there because they’ve just numbed themselves down into not feeling a single thing towards anyone, trust me I know people that have been there, done that and got the t shirt.
Where do you stand? What are your rights Islamically when it comes to marrying someone of your own choice?
Ok, let me reiterate everything I’ve said before and make it simple.
When looking for a spouse you should and MUST look for the following in them.
Someone who fears Allah
Someone who will love you for the sake of Allah swt.
A person who is on the deen.
Financially stable and has the capacity to love and care for you (applies to females looking to marry the one they want)
I’ve attached a link to a talk by mufti menk who speaks about what you should look for and the guide. If the person you want to marry, is everything that is Islamically correct and needed in a spouse then you have the right to marry them for the sake of Allah.
Now this doesn’t mean you go and marry them right now without thinking twice, you take certain precautions, steps, you do Istikhara, you pray Tahajjud and you ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you. You speak to your more lenient parent and ask them of their opinion and if they’re willing to agree, if they are not, then speak to your sister, brother or sibling, if no one is willing to take your side and is unable to, then speak to your local Imam.
Marrying someone is a very sacred thing and it isn’t something that should be forced upon someone or them being emotionally blackmailed into completing half their deen with someone they do not want to marry.
Marriage should not be forced upon someone because their parents are guilt tripping them into married.
If you can sit there and play a part in ruining your child’s life because you do not agree with the “caste” or ethnicity they want to marry, then you as parents, as elder family members should truly fear Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala.
The youth of today are more prone to committing zinah and many other sins, ending up pregnant out of wedlock because their parents are disagreeing to the person they want to marry solely based on their own whims, none of their reasons for denial include Islam in them. They merely disagree because they’re not from the same place “back home” or they’re not the same caste, bloodline or whatever other excuses they come up with. This topic needs a lot more coverage, I was always scared to speak up about this, but I decided enough is enough, it needs to be spoken about, it needs to be read by thousands of people out there, who are in similar situations as what I’m explaining and writing about.
You should never be put in a position where you have to choose between your family and the one you want to marry.
You should never feel the need to have to worry about telling your parents about a suitable marriage partner and that you want to get married, marriage isn’t a sin and it should NEVER EVER feel like one. You, wanting to complete half your deen is a joyous occasion, a time to celebrate and thank Allah for, yet some parents turn it into a funeral the minute they find out about who you want to marry and why.
As a young Muslim woman, I have come across many cases where people have had to leave the one they want to marry due to their parents or elders/guardians disagreeing because of reasons which have no Islamic backing. I’ve seen this happen way too many times and I’ve always wanted to bring awareness to these problems and issues which arise in nearly every community, Muslim or not.
Should other people really take precedent over what makes your child happy? Should you as a parent, really be caring about your reputation and what other people are thinking or going to say about you getting your child married to their own choice? Do you not fear Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala more than His creation. That’s a question I would like to ask every parent that is stopping their child from marrying someone who is Islamically permissible for them to marry.
If a potential marriage partner comes to ask for your daughters hand in marriage and your refuse solely based on reasons which are not valid in Islam, then you truly need to sit down and ask yourself who you are worshipping.
Do you worship Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala or His creation, do you live to please Allah or His creation?
Are you more wrapped up in what other people will say or do once they find out you’ve stood by your child and got them married to keep them away from Zinah and other major sins.
What about when you force your children to forget about a potential marriage partner because you feel as though you have a “right” over who your child marries and they “owe” you because you have raised them therefore they NEED to obey you and live by your rules and abide by them.
If your child has told you that they want to get married and you are not allowing it because you don’t “like the look of the person” or you feel as though they’re not “good enough” for your son or daughter or their caste is not a good “one”. So you refuse it based on reasons which are clearly not permissible in Islam to refuse.
You do realise, whatever sins they commit out of marriage will be partly on your head too because you have the duty to get your children married and push them towards being in a HALAL happy marriage/nikkah.
Put your children and their happiness first, you will truly be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala for doing what is best by your children instead of stopping them from getting married and guilt tripping them.
Your children do not owe you anything, Islamically speaking yes, they should keep you happy but it’s your duty to keep them happy too, it works both ways. You cannot emotionally blackmail your children into doing something they really do not want to do, you cannot force them and make them feel like they’re a disappointment if they do not listen to you.
Do what is Islamically right, not what is culturally expected of you. Listen to your children, listen to their reasonings for wanting to marry that particular person, stop allowing culture and tradition to dictate the lives and futures of your children. Especially when they will be the ones who will have to live with it, not you.
Every other day I’m told story after story and it breaks my heart, parents who put their made up rules first before the happiness of their children. They pick and choose what part of Islam they want to follow and what part they want to deny. Please for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, put your children’s wishes and desires first, if the only reason you’re denying their marriage and potential marriage is because of caste, ethnicity and background/culture differences, please please rethink your decisions, Islam does not allow a parent or guardian to deny the marriage of two people based on their own whims, there has to be an Islamic reason for your disagreement.
Stop allowing your children to live empty lives, married to people they did not want to marry, you do not just ruin one life, you ruin 4 especially if they had someone else they wanted to marry to begin with.
Stop allowing your children to lead a life of sadness because you didn’t allow them to marry who they want.
Stop telling your daughters that you would rather keep them single all their lives because you will never allow them to marry out of caste.
Stop telling your sons and daughters that they are bad people and that they are disobeying you because they have the courage and guts to tell you they want to marry someone and are seeking your approval.
Stop telling your children that the minute they go and marry someone of their own choice, you will disown them and that you are dead to them, fear Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala.
Advice for those who are in a similar situation as mentioned above and in the previous two posts.
If the person you want to marry is Islamically OK for you to marry, you should approach your parents, speak to them, give them a chance to understand and see things from your point of view, try to make them meet the person you want to marry, if they refuse, try again. If you’re a woman who is wanting to get married, tell his family to come over to ask for your hand in marriage, if your parents still refuse then try one more time, if they still refuse them approach an elder member of the family who you’re able to talk to easily, if they are the same as your parents (mindset and not agreeing) then go to your local masjid and ask for some advice from an imam or someone with Islamic knowledge – if the reason for your marriage denial is invalid then you are able to get married with a guardian (wali) without your parents present.
But you do need to give them a chance to accept or refuse and if their grounds of refusal is based on cultural rules/reasons then Islamically you are able get a wali and marry whom you want. But please get some Islamic scholar/backing or knowledge from your local imam.
As Muslim women and men, it’s very hard to find a marriage partner, it gets even harder when your parents put conditions on you and rules on you which quite evidently, have no Islamic bearing. Rules and conditions, threats like “we will only accept your marriage partner as long as they’re the same caste as us, if they’re not then we will disown you completely”. This isn’t Islamic. It has never been a part of Islam and it never will be.
Often, families have certain “rules” (which have been created by an elder or elders). This often consists of not letting their children marry out of caste, background and ethnicity purely because it’s something that is considered “shameful” or is considered a dishonour towards the family. This is something that happens quite a lot and a lot of marriage proposals break down due to this.
The famous quote from nearly every parent that is like the above
“What will others think”
You will bring shame toyour family
We will disown you completely if you get married to someone who isn’t the same caste as us
How dare you even think about marrying someone who is a “lower” caste than us
Do you not realise what people will say about you, what they will say about us?!
Do we not mean anything to you?
If you marry him/her, you will lose us as your parents and we will be dead to you.
Parents, elders and those who are the “head” of the family have often made it harder for their children, siblings and younger family members to get married. Finding a suitable marriage partner is hard enough as it is, especially during current times, it’s hard to find someone who is compatible with you enough to marry them or want to marry them.
I’ve come across people who are not Muslim and have zero restrictions on their heads, who find it hard to get married and find a marriage partner, yet many many Muslim parents make it ten times harder for their daughter or son to get married and complete half their deen.
Like I said previously, marriage isn’t a small thing, it needs to be thought out properly and it needs to be something you are 100% happy with doing. Marriage should never be for “the sake of someone else” it should be because your heart is in the marriage and you truly want to get married, Islam does not teach us to compel or make our children/fellow Muslims feel as though they have no other choice but to marry for the sake of marriage.
If you have unmarried daughter or son at home who has a potential marriage partner and is wanting to get married, you as their parents, have the duty to get them married. There is no two ways about it.
Abu Hurayrah said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If someone whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you proposes marriage, then marry [your female relative under your charge] to him. If you do not do that, there will be tribulation in the land and much corruption.
(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him, in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah. 1022).
Marriage is not a chore, I’ll say it again, marriage is not a chore and it should never be treated as one either. If you have a child who is wantingto getmarried, has a potential marriage partner and is of deen then it is your duty to fulfil YOUR duty by giving that person a chance and helping your child complete their deen.
Secondly: if her wali prevents her from marrying the person she wants with no shari reason for doing so, the guardianship passes to someone who is fit to be a wali, so it may pass from her father to her grandfather, for example.
Thirdly: if all her guardians prevent her for no shari reason, then the (Muslim) ruler will be her wali, because of the hadeeth, If she does not have a wali, then the (Muslim) ruler is the wali of anyone who does not have a wali. The ruler here means the judge who rules according to shareeah.
The wali does not have the right to prevent a woman from marrying on the basis of his own whims and with no shari reason.
[Islamqa.com]
Since when did tradition and culture come first, leaving your children’s happiness behind, why do children have to choose between someone they want to marry and their parents, surely, as parents they should put their children’s wants and need before society, culture and tradition. After-all, when we die the only thing that is said is
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un
Yet, we spend our lives wondering what people will think and what people will say.
Do you not deserve to be happy?
You know when you truly put Islam first, you will begin to realise the wrongs you have been taught.
I’ve hesitated posting this for a very long time but I’ve always felt as though it is something that needs posting. So here goes nothing..
Let’s talk about marriage, let’s talk about finding a suitable marriage partner and the struggles of getting married.
A lot of people believe in culture, a lot of people put culture before Islam, the bitter truth is that a lot of parents believe in culture more than they do Islam and I’m here to drop some truth bombs.
Islamically speaking, your parents cannot deny your marriage for the following reasons
They don’t like him/her (especially if they’ve not met him/her) and haven’t given the person in question a chance to speak, talk and get to know them. They cannot deny for this reason alone. Islam is all about giving chances and seeing if the person is suitable.
He/she is not the same caste as youor the same ethnicity/background as you. This is not a good enough reason to deny a marriage proposal.
They believe you’re too good “for him or her”.
They are letting culture and tradition get in the way of what isISLAMICALLY permissible.
They should be looking at the following.
Deen.
Characteristics of the person in question
References to see what he/she/family are like
Stability, financially and emotionally.
If all of the above check out and it is permissible for you to marry the person in question then Islamically they have no reason to deny or stop you from getting married.
Now, marriage isn’t a small thing, it’s huge, it’s a massive decision and it’s a very sacred thing.
If you’re wanting to get married, you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting to marry, you shouldn’t be made to feel as though you’re too “young” or not stable enough to. If you know in your hearts of hearts, you’re ready for marriage and have found the right candidate then you should not delay your marriage and your parents shouldn’t either.
“Parents always know what’s best for their children”. A quote I’m often told.
The truth is this, some parents know exactly what is good for their child, but many do not. Many parents put culture and religion before Islam. They will openly stop the marriage or proposal of their child due to ethnicity, background and “caste”.
Caste is one of the biggest curses of mankind, we have become so blinded by caste that we as Muslims, seem to think we are better than one another due to the ranking of caste and quite frankly, it’s disgusting and it needs to change.
I’ve come across many people who want to marry someone they have chosen themselves, only for their family to disagree and emotionally blackmail them by telling them that they will get disowned the moment they marry out of “their caste”. It’s abhorrent and it’s uncalled for.
Your children are not toys, you shouldn’t pick and choose who they marry, you shouldn’t dictate who they want to marry and rule their lives, you do not own your children, they are a gift from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala.
FEAR ALLAH.
I’ll give you an example of what I mean, I have come across a lot of people who want to get married, they get on well, they are suitable, compatible, both on their deen and want to marry one another. They are hindered by caste and other obstacles in the way and are not able to get married because their parents won’t allow them to, WHY?…
Because, they are not from the same “caste”.
So many parents and families put their children in difficult situations where the children have to choose one happiness over the other, children are made to feel like wanting to get married and completehalf your deen is wrong because you want to marry someone your parents do not approve of due to caste issues only.
How is this normal? It’s not.
As parents, they have the right to deny your marriage or proposal if the man or woman isn’t compatible with you, or if they feel as though the person you have chosen isn’t Islamically correct for you but if they are refusing based on traditions and cultural views which have no bearing in Islam, then they are wrong, unfortunately.
Marriage shouldn’t be made to feel like a sin, you shouldn’t have to choose between your parents and potential marriage partner.
You deserve to be happy, you deserve to marry someone you want to, as long as they are good for you and your deen.
It’s very important to understandthat you have rights and you should be able to marry who you want for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala
Parents will try to guilt trip you into doing what is best for them, not what is necessarily best for you. Always pray to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala and ask Him to guide you onto the right path and to remove any obstacles which are in the way of you moving forward with your life.
I am in no way discrediting parents and their opinions, everyone is allowed their opinions but you as a parent, your opinions shouldn’t affect your child’s happiness and future. You need to stop treating your children like an object, the emotional guilt and blackmail needs to stop. If your child is at an age of marriage and wants to get married, let them. Do it for the sake of Allah, stop allowing culture take over Islam, Islamically it is permissible for a child to marry whoever they want as long as they are Muslim and practicing.
Stop making your children feel like they’re inferior because they’re choosing to marry someone of their own choice, Islamically it’s wrong to force your child to marry someone they do not want to. Period.
Culture should NEVER take precedent over Islam.
Your life matters, your happiness matters and choosing your spouse and getting married, matters too. You deserve to be happy, if you truly want to get married and you know the person is a good marriage partner, seek guidance from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, pray Istikhara, pray Tahajjud and ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala to do what is best for you.
PLEASING your parents is a must in Islam, but as a child of your parents who are denying you the right to get married and complete half your deen, it is their DUTY as parents to make you fulfil half your Deen too. So it’s not just about you pleasing your parents, if what you want to do, is Islamically permissible then do it for the sake of Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala. Istikhara first then decide after.
If it is meant for you then it will be for you.
Stop letting caste get in the way of potential marriage partners, stop letting people guilt trip you and make you feel bad for wanting to get married to your own choice. You have Allah by your side. Trust in Him and do what is best for you without the intentions of hurting or disrespecting anyone else.
I AM NOT AN ISLAMIC SCHOLAR OR SOMEONE WITH ISLAMIC KNOWLEDGE, THESE ARE MY OWN PERSONAL OPINIONS.
A lot of you know me as HERBLANKCANVAS or withlovemona, but to everyone else I’m known as Mona.
Let me give you a bit of a background story on my skin and the issues I’ve had with it.
I suffered from Acne, yes acne, the dreaded word that has been in my life for the last god knows how many years. My skin was bad, BAD.
I suffered from acne at the tender age of 11/12 or 13? I can’t really remember but all I remember is literally waking up one day with a forehead full of spots and blackheads (mainly blackheads). Which then travelled down my cheeks and the rest, well you know what happens when you suffer with acne.
I was told all sorts, drink water, change my diet, quite bluntly, nothing helped. I caked my face with makeup everyday in the hope it would disappear (it didn’t lol). I then decided I NEED to get rid of this so I started Accutane, a lot of people don’t know what it is or why it was created in the first place so let me add a little bit of info below about the drug and what it was made for and how it helps.
Isotretinoin, also known as 13-cis-retinoic acidand sold under the brand name Accutane among others, is a medication primarily used to treat severe acne. It is also used to prevent certain skin cancers (squamous-cell carcinoma), and in the treatment of other cancers. It is used to treat harlequin-type ichthyosis, a usually lethal skin disease, and lamellar ichthyosis. It is a retinoid, meaning it is related to vitamin A, and is found in small quantities naturally in the body. Its isomer, tretinoin, is also an acne drug.
So yeah,
That basically sums up the drug, I was put on accutane (mild doses) for 6 months in total, you can read my other blog posts about that.
After that, Alhamdullilah by the will of Allah, my skin was cleared. I was left with acne scarring (specifically pitting/ice pick scars). I then had 6 sessions of skin resurfacing treatment (helped me MASSIVELY) with my acne scarring. But due to the severity of my acne (I never had huge spots or purging) but I always had lots of small spots all over my face and chest.
So after my acne scarring treatment, which was amazing btw but I do recommend A LOT of sun protection throughout your treatment.
I was then left with pigmentation on one side of my face (bizarre I know). But I realised that it was due to having more exposure on that side of my face, during car rides and other things, which eventually made my pigmentation worse during the time my skin was exposed to the sun and many other factors.
I decided I needed to do something about my pigmentation, it was getting worse and worse, I had freckles, dark spots, pigmentation and skin damage all over one side of my face (left side) I had a lot of pigmentation under my eyes and in the corner of my eyes, this was getting increasingly worse for me and I really wanted to do something about it. I came across Dr Aminas Instagram [ draminabradford] and I saw some of her work, I had previously heard about her and seen her on the gram, so I felt instantly comfortable in approaching her. We discussed my skin problems and eventually had a skin consultation, now I’ll be honest, everyone around me kept saying “your skin isn’t that bad, you don’t really need any treatment” your skin is fine, but now I look back at my pictures, before and afters I’ve realised JUST how bad it was getting. My skin was dark, dull, due to suffering with anaemia and other health conditions, I’ve always had pale yellow skin, I’ve always been “olive” under-toned too. Something that has dramatically changed since starting my treatment.
So I was put on the Obagi treatment, now I’ll be honest it’s pricey, but it’s something you can most definitely save up for, afterall, I’ve learnt the hard way, your skin is an investment, your skin isn’t borrowed, your skin isn’t something you can easily replace, look after it, spend money on it. It’s the only thing you’ll take to your grave with you, LITERALLY.
If you’re able to save up the money and look after your skin, it’s 100% worth it, trust me, I’m not “rich” but putting my skin first has always been a priority for me ever since I’ve started my skin journey and I regret not doing it sooner. I’m at the age of 26, I’ve had 6 months of accutane, 6 sessions of skin resurfacing treatment and now 7 weeks of my latest skin treatment, to some that may not seem like a lot but in hindsight it literally is, but it’s ok, I’m enjoying this process and I’m loving the journey I’m on to get my skin to WHERE I want it to be.
I hated looking tired, gaunt and pale and yellow, I wanted to do something about it, so I was put on the Obagi nuderm skin system
I am now nearly 8 weeks into my system, so a lot of you are probably wondering what it is and how it works, so everyone’s put on their own personalised skin routine, I’ll tell you what mine is and I think you’ll all be shocked at how simple it actually is.
1)Cleanser
2)Toner
3)Cream 1, 4)exfoliator cream, 5) creams 5 mixed with a skin brightening cream (prescribed by doctors/dermatologist/skin specialist only.) you cannot get this over the counter and I would never recommend for you to either. Go to a skin specialist who specialises in skincare, someone you trust, for me that is DrAminaBradford on Instagram.
So I was put on a skincare plan and was told to do a skincare routine every morning and night, I’ve been doing this for the last nearly 8 weeks, every single day. Morning and night and the difference in my skin in insane, I will add pictures of my before and afters.
25th January 2021 (four days into my skincare treatment)
So a lot of people were wondering what the side effects were for me and still are.
Peeling of the skin
Tightness of the skin
Soreness, redness, i have not worn makeup for the last 8 weeks.
Itchiness of the skin
Dryness
12th March 2021.
Nearly 8 weeks into my skin system.
I have still got a long way to go, but the results speak for themselves.
My pigmentation was solely around my eyes, near my lips, alongside the left side of my face, above my Cupid’s bow, between my brows and the corner of my eyes near my nose.
The Nu-Derm System helps to transform skin by addressing hyperpigmentation and improving visible signs of skin aging. Prescription required.
Nu-Derm is ideal for:
Hyperpigmentation, melasma, sun spots
Rough, uneven skin
Appearance of skin laxity
Do I think this system/treatment is worth it? 100000% million percent yes. It’s definitely worth it, like I said it’s pricey but my results speak for themselves and quite honestly, I’d pay thousands if I had to, to get the results I have today, Alhamdullilah.
I will do another blog post soon on this, remember Obagi Nu derm can only be prescribed by a doctor, I highly recommend Dr Amina Bradford on Instagram.
Why is this treatment better?
You do it in the comfort of your own home, you don’t have to go anywhere to get it “done”. Especially during the last year or so and this pandemic, safety ALWAYS comes first so that was a big must for me, as I’ve spent the majority of the last year shielding due to being high risk of catching COVID-19.
The pros and consof this treatment –
If you’re like me and love your makeup, say goodbye to wearing makeup every day because with this treatment, your skin sheds, it will be sore but the end results are worth IT!
If you want good skin, you have to make sacrifices for it too, so no makeup is a must, eventually you will become more comfortable in your skin as this treatment evens out your complexion and genuinely helps you a lot.
Your skin will shed, peel and feel tight for many weeks, but again, the results are worth it all.
The cons, your skin sheds, your skin will peel, you will feel a bit urgh at thebeginning when youstart the treatment because you will feel like your skin is getting worse before it gets better.
Ideally you should not use any masks or anything else on your skin during the duration of this system treatment. It’s highly recommended to only use the products given.
Sunscreen is a must, you have townear it all the time during daylight hours
Results are not overnight, it takes a lot of patience and time to see the end results, but hey, look at me, I’m 8 weeks into this and my results so far are insane?!
If you have any more questions, you’re more than welcome to direct message on Instagram or you can message DrAminaBradford on Instagram for a skin consultation!
Growing up in a western country and learning their western ways, salah wasn’t always something that was put “first” by me.
I’ve always kind of avoided it because I used to feel like “what’s the point in me praying” when I’m not the best Muslim I could possibly be. (Not the best way to think if I’m honest, it’s just Satan playing tricks). I would try to justify me not praying salah, I would literally think of every excuse under the book.
I even forgot the actions of salah and at that point I realised that I need to sort myself out and stop justifying me not praying.
I was going through a very horrible time in my life and possibly one of the worst, still at that point I didn’t turn to Allah and I didn’t turn to Salah, but Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is the most merciful and even though I wasn’t calling upon Him or asking Him for forgiveness, He saved me from the most horrible situation ever, still I don’t think I realised the importance of implementing salah into my life at that particular moment in time.
I’m ashamed of it, but I know Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala put these trials and tribulations in my life for a reason, every single time, I learnt that He was calling me and I’ll be honest I wasn’t always taking heed to His calls, how very very foolish of me.
Skip forward an October (will not disclose the year as its just too personal for me), my world was torn upside down, when I mean upside down, the unthinkable, unimaginable happened and I think that is when I truly realised that the only way I can get through this is by praying. So I took myself back to square one and taught myself Salah all over again and it is the best thing I have ever done. They say Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala calls you back to Him when you are at your lowest, in desperate need of Him and it’s not a punishment from Him, but a chance, an opportunity to turn back to Him and ask Him for forgiveness and do what is needed to be the best Muslim you can be, not perfect, not unreal but the best you can be for yourself and for Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, afterall, He doesn’t need us, we need Him.
I started by praying Fajr and I really needed to start with Fajr because I knew it was the only way to get myself up everyday and motivate myself to even get out of bed, so I prayed Fajr, it was the easiest to relearn and the hardest to get up for, but I knew the reward was double, triple so it motivated me.
I realised once I started praying Fajr I felt a peace I never felt before and let me be honest, I didn’t feel the peace straight away, I spent so many years away from Salah and praying that my heart had become rock solid, I became a shadow of my former self, at many points I made myself believe that I didn’t need to pray Salah, again, very ashamed to admit this but I am a human being, I’m just as flawed as anyone else out there and I most certainly do not get a golden ticket to Jannah.
It took me a long time to pull my heart apart in-front of Allah and ask Him to heal me. I’ll be brutally honest and say it took me a couple of months to finally wholeheartedly turn to Him and just basically rip my heart out in front of Him and finally let go of everything that hurt me and pained me.
I spent time with Him slowly but surely, after many hardships, I just knew it was my time to turn to Him no matter how long it had been, no matter how long I had stayed away from Him, I just knew Allah kept calling me back to Him for a reason, it was never ever a punishment for me, it was more Him pulling me to back to Him and reminding me that I am nothing without Him and that’s exactly what happened.
Now I look back at certain times in my life and I’ve realised just how merciful Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala truly is. So many times I did wrong, I didn’t rely on Him and I kept relying on His creation for peace and happiness, but He always kept me safe, He always kept me healthy and He always gave me a chance to get closer to Him, even though the majority of the time I didn’t take heed, how naive was I, chasing the world and expecting the world to heal me when all the world truly wanted to do, was feed on my soul and leave me abandoned.
Salah became a routine for me, I bought a salah book and I would read it word for word, I would recite it and pray, I taught myself the whole of the salah all over again. Even if it meant struggling, I did it, even if it meant I would recite it and read the book whilst praying, I did it because I knew Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala knows my intentions and He knows my end goals and intentions for praying in such a manner.
I was always embarrassed that people would ask me why I don’t pray salah and my excuse would always be, I don’t have time or I don’t know how pray it and each time I’d say that, it would genuinely break my heart because I knew it was exactly what my heart needed, so by the will of Allah I was guided to Him again and again and again until I got the hint and started to pray my Salah and find peace and contentment in my heart.
I wasn’t always good at concentrating or understanding certain things, I’m quite a creative person, so for me, salah was always known as “something I’ll do later”, that’s the excuse I’d come up with Astaghfirullah.
As time went on and we had many deaths in my family and family friends, I realised I need to stop being lazy, I need to stop living in this world and investing so much into it because I will die tomorrow and what will I show Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala? I think the real turning point for me praying Salah was when my heart was in pieces and I felt no peace in my life, I would always feel anxious, in pain and I just wouldn’t be able to sleep. I’d have insomnia for days on end and I would have zero motivation to carry on with my life and daily tasks, but now I’ve realised, Subhaan’Allah, every sleepless night was a chance, an opportunity from Allah for me to talk to Him, an opportunity I do not miss now.
It’s not easy getting into a routine and those who tell you it’s easy, are most definitely lying because it takes a lot of time and effort to get yourself onto the path of Salah. It’s a long journey, it’s not easy and you will never get it 100%, but I came up with the perfect description of Salah and what your journey will be like.
I see it like this, you’re climbing a mountain, you are alone, it’s just you and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala, you try your best everyday to get up onto this huge mountain, right to the top, but sometimes it gets slippery and you end up having to take a few steps back. But the end goal is always going to remain the same and it doesn’t matter how long it takes for you to get to the top, you’ll be rewarded for every step you take up that mountain. — herblankcanvas [via Instagram]
That’s how I see salah, that’s how I see Islam, it’s not about being perfect, it’s not about being the most influential person and being on your deen 100%, it’s a journey, it’s a struggle, it’s not easy and whoever makes it look easy, are lying to you. Nothing that is good in life, comes easy. Always remember that, always strive to be the best person you can be and remember that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala will reward you for your efforts, a hardships that brings you closer to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is not a punishment, so do not ever see it that way, it’s an opportunity, a chance from Him for you to get closer to Him in every way you possibly can. You’re not a sinner for struggling, Allah will not hate you for struggling, your struggles will become a part of you, and that’s okay. You cannot perfect Islam and salah overnight but striving to, is what’s important. Making an effort to become a better person and a better Muslim is what is important.
Some days are better than others, I still struggle I still slack at times but it’s okay because I know Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala knows my intentions and I know that I cannot be perfect because perfect isn’t real, not in this world anyway. But as long as I do my best and make an effort at each and every point then I know I’m doing whatever I can to be the best possible person I can be.
Indeed Allah guides those He loves, always remember that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is the most merciful and it doesn’t matter how many prayers you have missed, how many times you’ve not prayed salah, you still have time to turn back to Him, you still have time to sit on that prayer mat with your heavy broken stone cold heart, He is still there to listen to you and He will never ever turn away His beloved servants. Your sins do not define you, your ability to repent, your du’aas and your intentions are what will define you.
I lost my Nan in 2016, November to be precise, it was probably one of my “most remembered” encounters with death and understanding what death truly entailed. It wasn’t something I felt before, I think it was more of a raw sore feeling which stayed with me for a very long time.
My Nan was a beautiful person, one of the kindest souls I have come across in my entire life and I’m not just saying this because she has passed away.
Without going into too much detail. 2015 and 2016 were probably the heaviest years I have experienced in a long time, and of course 2019/2020.
Grief came and knocked on our door and I’ll be honest, as much as you expect the passing of an older person, when it is happening or does happen, nothing can prepare you for the aftermath and experience of dealing with the loss of a loved one, regardless of ones age.
I think the scariest thing was sitting in the same room knowing that the angel of death is there, I know, the angel of death is everywhere and he takes the souls of whoever Allah wills, but knowing that he was in the same room as me, slowly taking away my Nan, I think that hit me on another level and I don’t think I was mentally prepared for that at all. When my Nan had finally departed and made her way to her creator, I felt a cold shiver in the room and I realised that in front of me, was no longer my Nan, she was automatically referred to as “the body”. In Islam we’ve been taught to love the soul and not the body, the truth is we cannot help but love the body as it has a physical presence in our lives and no matter what we do, we become attached to the body as well as the soul. My Nan had a peaceful death, from what I remember and recall, she wasn’t in pain, she passed away peacefully.
The first couple of days the grief hadn’t settled and hadn’t made a home inside my heart yet, I was in shock so my body went into autopilot mode, I was just doing whatever was needed, grieving slowly but surely. I genuinely don’t think i still understand the depth of the grieving process even now because I’m still mourning in my own little way. The months prior to my Nans death, I spent a lot of time with her at her home, for some reason I was more drawn to spending time with her, I wasn’t particularly always there but something pulled me to go there every evening after university and spend time with her, even if it was for 10-20 minutes. I just felt this urge inside my heart to go and do that, maybe that was Allah’s ways of telling me to spend time with her before He takes her back. Sometimes, I look over at her house and I have an instant sinking feeling in my heart, it hurts even up until now, it hurts.
Grieving her death was a rollercoaster ride for us all, I think at first we were in denial and we just did whatever we were told to do and just kind of got on with it, for those who do not believe in life after death, I will give you a few examples of what I experienced after her death.
The night after we had buried her, I was sat down with my aunty and my cousin sister, we were sat there talking about my Nan. Randomly, we hear a noise in the other room (where her bed used to be, by then the bed was given back to the hospital). It wasn’t only me that heard it, all three of us did, it was almost like she was telling us that she is still around. During the next couple of days, we heard multiple sounds and we experienced multiple different things happen to us and other family members.
The night after she had died, I remember shaking uncontrollably before going to sleep because I cried myself out. I felt this fear in my heart and until this day I do not understand what happened to me that night or why, maybe it was just reality kicking in and finally sinking in that she’s gone. I felt this fear in my heart that I had NEVER felt before and I just couldn’t sleep. Once I visited her grave after the funeral/janazah had taken place, I felt at peace.
Her funeral was beautiful, it rained so much the day she passed away and to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it rain as much as it did that day. She had noor on her face and I know she was truly finally at peace, returned to her Lord.
Grieving isn’t just crying, it isn’t just feeling upset, grieving the death of a loved one honestly shakes you to your core, it hurts you in ways you never thought you could be hurt. Four years on and the pain is still as raw as it was the first day.
When grieving, nobody gives you instructions on what to do, nobody passes you a manual book or rules to abide by, they try to tell you “how to grieve” but nobody really knows until they’ve been through something similar and even then, everyone has different experiences of loss, there’s no right way to grieve and there’s most certainly no wrong way to grieve either. It takes time, it takes a lot of healing and it takes a lot of patience to finally come to understand why it’s happened the way it has, some deaths come just like that, no warning, no signs, absolutely nothing.
Some deaths come and knock on your door without you even realising, you’ll be sat down or going about your daily business to then be completely in bits after hearing about the loss of a loved one, your whole world turns upside down and no matter how many times someone tries to console you, in the end the only person that can console you, is yourself, but the main thing to realise is that Allah does not burden a soul beyond it can bear and you will eventually find the rainbow at the end of every storm that greets your life.
There’s no timeline to stop grieving or deadline, take each day as it comes and grieve in waves. Some days you’ll feel like you’re drowning all alone, stranded in the middle of the sea and some days you’ll feel like you’re just above the water, floating along and that’s fine. Take each day as it comes and do not pressurise yourself into being or acting like something you’re normally not. 🤍
Hey dolls, So here I am! Two months post my Roaccutane treatment.I wanted to have at least a few months off the medication to finally give my honest review on the treatment itself.So as many of you know from reading my previous blog posts. I was on Roaccutane for 6 months. I started in December 2017 and finished in May 2018. I started on 30 mg and worked my way up to 60mg. The gradual build up worked well for me. I started seeing side effects within the first two weeks of the medication, my skin became really dry and tight. My skin was so dry I could feel the skin peeling off, it wasn’t painful on my face but it was painful on my lips. My lips would crack and bleed so I used a lot of lip balm. Throughout the treatment I must have spent around £20+ on lip balm alone. Being somebody who has suffered from acne for a very long time I needed a fix. Something that was almost permanent for me, so Accutane was the way forward. The six month treatment had a lot of side effects, most which got better with time. The first month I had a tiny amount of breakouts. The second month I had some more but it wasn’t as bad. I was aware of the medication taking everything out of your skin, so it does get worse before it gets better. I wasn’t allowed to wax throughout the whole time of the treatment and I’m too afraid to wax now (I’ve been off the treatment for nearly 2 months now). I threaded throughout the treatment but I did get a few cuts even with threading due to how sensitive my skin became. My skin was unbelievably sensitive and sun cream is definitely a must even if you’re just going to be at home. I’m glad I did my treatment during the winter because I felt much more better during that time.The biggest side effect for me was dry patches all over my hands and arms and body. The dry patches were absolutely awful. Below are some pictures of how bad they were at one point. It was extremely painful to deal with the dry patches on my hands because it would get so bad that they would bleed and become so sore.This is a side effect which completely disappeared when I completed the medication course.
Update
2nd February 2021.
I’m now over two years into my skin journey and I can honestly say, taking accutane has helped me more than I ever thought it would. I feel much better within myself and my confidence is just great. I have had a few other skin treatments since my accutane journey which I will go into depth and detail in my next post. I will give an honest review about what has helped me and what hasn’t. It’s been trial and error for me, but it’s been a hard tough journey nevertheless. I’m thankful for being able to take accutane and I’m even more grateful to have had the resources and services which have helped me throughout my journey.
A question many of us get asked. It’s so sad isn’t it? We live in such a superficial world where people think it’s okay to question your hygiene and pick on what they call your flaws. Acne isn’t something that should be frowned upon, as someone with acne prone skin I have always been bullied for my skin. I have had women come up to me and ask what’s happened to my face and why my skin is so irritated. Let me tell you something though, acne isn’t caused by lack of hygiene. Acne is mainly hormonal, there are many different types of acne. Acne is one thing that causes really low confidence and nobody needs you pointing out their flaws.
We get it, our skin isn’t perfect, we have bumps and we are not ‘Instagram perfect’.
I used to cry over my skin, I would cake my face with endless amounts of makeup thinking it would hide my acne. I had so many spots on my face and I was like 13 piling foundation on my face in the hope that my acne would just disappear under layers on cake. It’s so hard to deal with acne and having your hormones all over the place.
Oh drink water, it will clear all your acne away. No. Water is indeed good but sometimes water isn’t the cure for everything. When your skin is so hell bent on having acne, it will regardless of how much litres of water you drink a day. Water is one of the best things for our body so drink as much as you can. But when your skin is so angry and irritated and it’s not because of your diet or lifestyle. That’s the type of acne that needs some sort of treatment to help it. I tried everything from eating clean to Aloe Vera plants. I tried literally everything and nothing worked for me.
I used masks, I used home made remedies to help my skin and it did absolutely nothing. I was still left with huge spots here and there. I forgot what it felt like to have acne free smooth skin. I would not leave my house without makeup on, hell I wouldn’t even open my door to anyone without wearing makeup. I felt so caged and disappointed with myself.
I wasn’t perfect and I was expected to be. It took me a long time to become comfortable with my skin. I took baby steps and decided to stop wearing it unless it was really necessary.
I decided to do something about it. Instead of hiding under piles of makeup, I gave myself a task. I went outside into the big bad world without makeup for a full day. I felt as though everyone was staring at me. But they actually were not. It was normal? I was beginning to feel the slightest bit normal and nobody batted an eyelid. It took me forever to finally get confident and I genuinely thought I would never be. I had a support network around me and it made me so happy to see that I was loved without makeup as well.
After many different home remedies and treatments. I decided enough was enough and I was referred to my dermatologist by my GP for Roaccutane. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. A full experience blog post will be up soon.
It was extremely painful to deal with the dry patches on my hands because it would get so bad that they would bleed and become so sore.This is a side effect which completely disappeared when I completed the medication course.
WITHLOVEMONA 